Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
So creative 😂
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once