Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.