Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
You Might Also Like
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”