Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
☠️
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early