Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

this is a sign that you need a union

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much