Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.