Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

She was REALLY feeling it.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared