Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
What a chick magnet..
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later