Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.![]()
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!