Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?