Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.