Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
when u come home smelling like another dog
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Challenge accepted.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*