Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

adam and eve had first world problems