Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me