Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring