Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever