Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Challenge accepted.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.