Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

How I’d get arrested…

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”