Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete