Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
the Monday after daylight savings
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.