Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
You Might Also Like
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
me and who
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.