Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

For anyone who needs this today

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.