Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
bro what is going on at twitter
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend