Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Damn he played himself
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.