Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared