Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?