Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Barbie gone wild
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?