Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

Netflix: We have Less

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.