Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Software Development ⛵️
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
🤯🤯🤯
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
me and my fake scenarios
