Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
so weird how every mom was born today
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.