Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

#inspiration #foodforthought

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.