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As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Ok cat haters, explain this…
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.