Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

He took my last fry, your honor

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*