Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

The asteroid..

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?