Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?