Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”