Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!