Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.