Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
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Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I hope Alan is OK
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Denise please return my vape pen
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it