Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I didn’t realize that was an option

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.