Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
We are the people our parents warned us about.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.