Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.