DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.