Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
In space, no one can hear…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?