Don’t tell me what to do
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
#CoronaOutbreak
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
They’re called werewolves.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast