Don’t tell me what to do
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My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!