Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.