Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.