Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.