Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.