Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You Might Also Like
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Orange is oranging 🟠
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home