Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.