Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.