Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Me irl

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Tuesday

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.