Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye