Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver