Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Suuuuure
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
it must be school picture day
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet