Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.