Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🏙👨🏼

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

everyone’s a critic

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite