Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
hi why am I like this
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.