Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.