Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

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Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”


NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down


Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”


(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”


“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.


I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.


boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.


Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.


As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.


Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.