Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
![]()
You Might Also Like
79.
![]()
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
![]()
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
![]()
![]()
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
![]()
![]()
![]()
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.