Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
you know what ruined my childhood? children