Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
You Might Also Like
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
good let them take over I have had enough
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again