“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
what do you want
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A family that plays together cheats.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.