“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah