Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Got ya covered

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

thanksgiving should be called feaster

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.