Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.