Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

yeet

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

I used the label maker

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.