Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

dude it’s called proctologist

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

not seeing the problem

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

I get it laundry no one is doing me either