Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

Bill is short for Billiam

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork