Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.