Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore