Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.