Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You Might Also Like
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*