Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.